I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sext me about skeletons
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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