apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
