I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
