Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
