When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
