A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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