why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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