Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
