i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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