I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
