the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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