turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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