I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
