Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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