Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
