If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
