You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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