no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
