I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
