You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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