Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
