woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
