I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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