Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize