No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
barbara walters just said penis...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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