the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
