My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
