Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
