when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
