We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
