what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
