I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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