I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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