I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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