i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
