I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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