I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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