just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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