he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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