And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
