based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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