3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
