I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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