I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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