Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
