Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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