one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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