I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
