Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
