I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
