I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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