sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
