Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
