At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize