they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
