Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
